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TAKE LIFE (AND DEATH) AS IT COMES
"No one ever told me that grief felt so
like fear."
-- C. S. Lewis
Hi everyone,
My father's passing in September has affected me in unexpected
ways. Because we were so close, I expected to grieve. I didn't
expect to be overwhelmed with fear and self-criticism.
Fear -- dreadful, paralyzing fear of illness, of Alzheimers, of
business failure, of global catastrophe... you name it, I've
probably been feeling it.
The self loathing I thought was history has been back with a
vengeance. As Dad's passing proved we don't live forever, I've
been obsessing over what I see as the failures of my life, with
disappointment, anger and despair.
In rational moments, though, I can appreciate the value of these
big emotions that can't be ignored. Perhaps losing Dad opened a
door that is allowing energies I've locked away over my lifetime
to emerge for clearing.
I've been told that when we lose both parents, no matter how old
we are when the second one passes, we experience the distress of
being orphaned. When our father passes, we lose our protector,
or at least our dream of having a protector. These are big
issues in our lives -- it's no wonder I'm feeling insecure.
Fortunately, I have the tools to support me in surviving such an
onslaught of pain. I know:
- Not to compare myself with anyone else, as in "John is
still functioning -- what's wrong with me?"
- My negative thinking does not reflect the truth of my
being.
- Resisting my experience (as in "I have no right to be
feeling this way") just prolongs it.
Over and over this past week, I've had to remind myself of the
above. I sink into the muck but by shifting perspectives, I can
pull myself up for air -- over and over and over again.
This is the healing process. It's not pretty or controlled --
two qualities I've tried my best to impose on life. The truth
is, this is what's up right now for attention, and I need to
allow the process to unfold. Accepting what's happening and
allowing it to be there is the only way it can pass away.
In my Canadian/English society, I haven't seen evidence of
anyone feeling and acting the way I have lately, and this has
prompted me to feel faulty. I'm sharing this with you in the
hope that if you go through similar experiences, you'll give
yourself permission to be there.
~
Patrice
"In struggling against anguish one never
produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces
new forms of anguish."
-- Simone Weil |
