“Depression is a very active state really. Even if you appeared to an observer to be immobilized, your mind was in a frenzy of paralysis. You were unable to function, but were actively despising yourself for it.”

-- Lisa Alther

Hello, beautiful women!

Once again, for some of you, it’s been awhile since you’ve received a ‘word of heart’ email. I apologize – I’ve again been off on my own, very personal journey.

This time, my travels took me into the depths of despair. I know depression – it’s been with me all my life. But my recent bouts felt worse than any others because I’ve never before felt such hopelessness. My mind convinced me that my belief that I’ve been growing was all an illusion. I hadn’t changed and was never going to change. I was going to end up bitter, useless and likely insane. I was stewing in self loathing.

Fortunately, even as I suffocated in this black hole, there were times of surfacing. Times of knowing what would support me and – fortunately – times when I could take steps to get that support.

I’m now through the darkness and feeling better than I’ve ever felt before.

Looking back, I can see that this experience of depression was different than it has been before. This time, I felt the pain more directly because at some level of consciousness, I was willing to be there. I owned my experience in a new way.

I also didn’t attempt to hide my misery from people I trust. In fact, I actually expressed my pain and fear to others. I see both of these changes as signs that I was more able to accept, rather than resist, the truth of my feelings. And I believe sharing my truth played a large part in allowing me to heal.

I suspect my journey of healing and growth may periodically require me to revisit the distorted beliefs that defined my life for so long so I can heal them at new and deeper levels. They say we spiral through life. We continually circle back through our issues so we can meet them with new levels of consciousness. As painful as it was, it didn’t really last very long. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

But perhaps the most important lesson I learned is that we have to be sure we ask ourselves the right questions. For more details on that, I’m inviting you back next week!

To those of you who have sent words of wisdom for sharing that I’ve kept on hold, I thank you for your patience. I’m so grateful for the way you all hold me with acceptance and understanding. That’s the power of a circle!

With love and gratitude,
Patrice

“We must reflect on the troubling experiences we’ve passed through of late. They made us wiser; they gave us strength. They changed us, moving us ever closer to the women, whole and happy, we desire to be.”

-- Each Day a New Beginning,
Hazelden Daily Meditations for Women