Judy challenges her life-long addiction to vanity.

All of my life I have believed that I had to look good and preferably great to get any of my wishes met. My charge cards reflected this and every month I would be faced with a large balance since I was constantly shopping for clothes to enhance how I looked. I also shopped to ward off any feelings of dissatisfaction with myself. It was an immediate high and gave me the confidence that I sorely lacked. But like any addiction, a one time fix is never enough and then there was the downside of having to pay all the high interest from my charges. But looking good was a constant and never ending challenge.

Forty came and it was time for a little cosmetic work, eyelids lifted, some collagen in that wrinkle between my eyebrows. I never questioned how many hours I had to work to pay for all of this. Heck, I never questioned my quest.

Weight was never a problem in my youth but once I hit fifty, that became a concern and the pounds started coming on. Perhaps realizing that I could not recapture my good looks of an earlier age caused me anxiety which then led to eating in order to feel good. Dieting was hard and a new experience.

What am I doing all of this for was a question which suddenly came to my mind. First, I examined my belief that people will like me more if I look good. Then I thought about my friends, some of whom are not slim and some of whom are not pretty. I like them regardless of their appearance and the thought came to me that maybe their liking me had nothing to do with how I look.

When I hit sixty, I began to become frustrated with all the time it takes to do my hair. I don't mind make-up as it takes very little time and effort, but spending a half hour on my hair was work! Just to run out to the grocery store required all this getting ready, and I didn't like having to do so much work to run an errand. Wash and wear hair, that was what I needed so off to the beauty shop for a new short haircut. Initially, I hated it. It wasn't as pretty. Back again to that need.

So what do I want? I want a hairstyle that I can run a brush through. A hairstyle that I can shampoo, comb into place and let it dry naturally without using a blow dryer and a curling iron. What else do I want? I want to feel okay about myself without having to work so hard at it. When I asked these questions, I became more at peace with myself.

I am not advocating this for everyone. However, for me, I am glad to let go of some of the chains of vanity. I still like buying clothes but I no longer shop with a charge card in hand. I questioned whether I would rather buy a new outfit or buy some books and go out to eat with a friend. A face lift, huh unh, I would rather take a vacation. My weight, no, I am not willing to forego good desserts to be model skinny.

What you see, is what you get.

~ Judy

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