It was while I was meditating during an Angelic Workshop that my life suddenly shattered into a million pieces and my heart split open.

I had several flashbacks of being sexually abused by my father. My whole body ached with the release of these memories, I felt nauseous, terrified, shocked and insane.

After the initial shock passed my life started to make some sort of sense. I finally understood why I acted my way through life, playing the role of what I thought people wanted, why I couldn’t remember my younger years, except for a few memories – albeit not very joyous ones. Why our family lived a very nomadic, secretive existence and was extremely dysfunctional. However at the time this was all I knew, so to me, it was normal.

The grief I felt during the initial crisis stage of my healing process would hit me and roll me into bed for days! Questions of how could he? Why? How could I live? I don’t want to live!!! I feel so defective, the shame and intense rage along with every other emotion….. There were many months spent sobbing, searching, releasing the fear and trauma experienced, praying, making deals with God so that my Soul would become Whole, that I would heal and cope with the emotional fallout from a childhood spent disassociated (split-off) from myself to survive the abuse.

For the first time in 30 years I actually was ‘in my body’ and not feeling very comfortable. I initially felt like I had landed on a strange planet! This was very terrifying as my whole life, as I had known it, was now changed forever. The life I had struggled so hard to build and maintain was shattered into a million pieces. I thought I knew who I truly was, and where I was headed in life. However this was all built on a history of lies, dysfunction, deceit and fear.

You may ask, “How did you not consciously remember your childhood?” Oh, I spent many weeks struggling with the same question. It was because I had disassociated from it due to the trauma I had experienced. I felt quite an immense amount of different emotions and scenarios; like I was going insane, that perhaps I was making it all up, that the memories would go away, no-one would believe me and God I need help NOW!! How am I going to function to be able to care for my children and husband?

The first person I shared my story and gut wrenching pain with, was the group facilitator, who turned out to be my biggest support person during the early stages of healing. She herself was also an abuse survivor.

The most heart wrenching and terrifying moment was when I was to tell my husband my story. We had been married for over 10 years and I always remember when I first met him, I just knew he was my soul mate and a gift from God. He certainly has been the ‘wind beneath my wings’ during this healing process. I shared with him my story of sexual abuse by my father and the incest from my eldest brother. Along with the soul splitting grief, shock, my vulnerability, fears, tears, shame, anger – he loved me, cared for me, hugged me, listened, nurtured and supported me through many difficult days, nights, weeks, months and years. He simply loved me for who I was. He has shown me what unconditional love is along with my two angelic children.

I have had many more memories surface since that first day, they bubbled up one piece of history at a time; raped by my Uncle which resulted in a pregnancy and the baby was taken away from me, being prostituted out by my parents and then some….

I have experienced many side affects upon this journey as result of healing from abuse; anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, low self-esteem, shame the list could go on. I have since come to the understanding that if I had remembered this earlier on, I would not have coped because I was not Soul ready to heal from these traumatic experiences.

Looking back over the time preceding the memories surfacing I had suffered severe depression on and off for quite a few years, had become an alcoholic, smoke-aholic, busy-aholic and felt like something was missing from my life. I spent time searching and seeking outside of myself to fill that void – the calling from my Soul to heal. I had started to search for the missing text of my life not knowing what that was.

Spirituality started to interest me – particularly books on Angels. I continued to devour spiritual based books to quench my thirst and to fill the void in my Soul.

It wasn’t until I turned within, did I discover the missing text from my life. Now I feel whole complete and at peace, because my Soul knows.

I now live each day filled with joy, peace and contentment. My purpose has grown out of these experiences and I live each day in alignment with my Soul Purpose. My career and passion is now empowering, supporting and nurturing abuse survivors to step upon the Bridge To Abuse and Healing Intensives and into Wholeness.