Women's Empowerment Stories ...

In Search Of Myself: Growing up at 75
~ Gemma Halpern

Gemma shares how a monster bug in a dark drawer transformed her life.

Last night, I awoke knowing that I had forgotten to take my medication. I got up, not wanting to turn on a light. It had been a hot day and I wore no clothing. I was concerned that someone might see me naked. At two o’clock in the morning it was not a likelihood. There was enough light coming in from the street lamp outside for me to see my way to the desk drawer where I kept my medication. I had created a small space for my pill bottles behind a stack of paper in the front. As I opened the drawer, in the dim light, something dark and round seemed to move swiftly across the paper. I quickly shut the drawer, revolted by images of what I believed to be a large monster bug.

I got bug spray and in the dark, slowly, edged the draw open and quickly sprayed the drawer, and slammed it shut. Waited a few moments, and decided to take a look to see if the creature was dead. With a small pocket flash light I finally got to see what was really there. To my surprise, the horrible monster bug turned out to be a small bottle of pills with a large brown label on the front of it. When I had opened the drawer, and it rolled quickly to the front, the rapid motion gave the illusion of being a fast moving creature I would not like to meet even in daylight. Now there was something to be proud of. I had killed a brown label.

I began thinking. How many times have I seen in dim light, little brown label monsters in my relationships? Recalling past experiences that triggered my killer instincts, I had an entire mental file of remembered fears, hurts, and unpleasant experiences that I had held onto. Wanting to avoid a repetition of that painful past, in that moment I realized I had to give up avoiding life and living defensively. It has limited me in so many ways... living that way didn’t give me much choice. It robbed me of the opportunity to enjoy my life, hope for better things, and learn to cope, find the courage to face anything, no matter what, forgive and forget. I needed to learn to trust myself.

I went back to bed lying in the dark, thinking deeply. I realized what I really needed was to give myself a “past-ectomy”. The next morning I awoke with the intention of letting go of things I had been hanging on to, for God knows what reason. Clearing out everything that did not work for me. Letting go of relationships that were unsatisfying. Relationships in which I could not feel free to be myself. Needing to please and placate in order to be accepted, avoiding conflict. I needed to realize that my disagreements with others did not have to turn into a war because of my need to be right. Letting go and being without judgments, without an agenda. Having an opinion was nothing more than an opinion. I let go of clothing that no longer fit. Old letters, old photographs. Things that did not belong in the NOW.

I felt liberated, creating the space to discover, try new things, experience new friendships, adventure without needing to control the results. I wanted to not take life so seriously and personally. Putting an end to creating brown label monsters that always kept me on guard, ready to defend myself against unrealistic fears. At 75, I think I am finally growing up.

~ Gemma Halpern

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