Women's Empowerment Stories ...

Healing After Death
 ~ Barbara Burtchett

Barbara shares her experience with grief.

This is the day I am going to do it. Why not? I have been doing so much better with the new medicine. I am feeling good changes, more like singing in the rain. Journal posting each morning, leading up to 2:17 with tears.

Memories and all the wrong questions have begun to seem less important since January 19th of this year. Yes your picture still watches. A candle still burns casting shadows on your urn. I have been watching old movies instead of listening to New Age music. Baby steps to healing.

So, why not get myself dressed? Go out of the door and attend this month’s grief counseling with a smile for a change. This is the day I will not cry, after all it has been 7 months. Old lucky 7.......

I did fine for about a half an hour. Met some new people. They talked, I listened. Have had a better cup of coffee but oh well, too strong for this ole gal anymore.

Ok Barbara, you’re up.......This is where Barbara blew it, right out of the window. I thought, “How could you George? You did this to yourself. Here I sit in counseling because of it!”

“My birthday is coming, your birthday is 2 days later. How do you expect mE to do this? All because you made us watch while you crawled into a bottle. Staying there like the worm in a Tequila bottle.”

Ok, now I did it. The tears turn to guilt. I’m the mommie who is supposed to understand. I am the mommie who wants to hide and let time take care of itself, but I can’t, because you know what? You not only hurt mE, but your sisters are hurting too. So mommie can’t hide because they do not do that when their children need them and your sisters will need mE.......

So man, this has turned out to be the day when I am finally telling you how I feel. How I have let myself feel because I lost you and could not save you. My own flesh and blood. I love you, but you really messed up big time this time.

The angel card I drew after we finished at counseling said “tenderness.” Someone I did not know, who also lost a son, hugged mE. A young girl who lost a baby cried. A father whose son drowned trying to save someone, understood. Another mother whose only son chose to die at 14 spoke with compassion.

Because of you I have new people in my life I never knew existed. This is the day I am going to do it for mE by moving ahead. Maybe with a tear, maybe not. Our birthdays will come if I stay or hide. It will be easier to stay. Facing them together as we have faced the days this year without you.

I am alive, I will survive.......

~ mE, George’s mom xoxox