It is time once again to turn to my writing and write from my soul. Not to take issue with the things of this world or even for one moment believe that my opinions matter. The world will do its own thing. It is for me to find my way back from living unconsciously, having feelings and thoughts and never really understanding why or what they meant. It has been like living in a constant state of shock and suffering from amnesia. I never understood why I lived immobilized by fear and self doubt or felt like a victim, totally unprepared for what was to come. I felt unsafe and intimidated by others who were bigger or older or more experienced than I.

Now I want to find myself naked in the words I put to paper, spelling out who I am and what I have become. I am aware there were things I accomplished in spite of the fear that immobilized me. Impelled by some inner drive that forced me to walk this path and complete myself in everything I tried.

I saw myself as a failure and yet there are pieces of paper that tell me of my successes. A first prize certificate from a poster contest at age 12, a certificate of merit for sculpture at 14, a scholarship I was awarded at 18, a position as art director at 38 for a company whose lead artist had been fired. I have been walking through life with this limited image of myself feeling like an alien. How I managed to survive all the self rejection and still be here moving on, is beyond my comprehension.

I am, at age 67, presently in the process of a career change, enrolled in a class with students one third my age and still I go on. I have a sense that I have been elsewhere and someone else has been in this body. I find myself weeping for the years I've missed when I left my body for someone else to inhabit. The laughable question is, "where have I been all my life?"

In spite of my stupor and unconscious state, I have managed to get my portfolio ready, revise my resume, study and prepare an animation demo for entry into the film animation industry. Amazingly I don't feel fearful. I have gone through a transition and am in the process of giving birth to myself. I am growing up at 67. The future is not frightening but a journey to be experienced. Where I go from here is a mystery and an adventure to be lived.

For the first time in my existence, I feel an opening to the possibilities of things that have no fear-based analogies tied to them. If I have labored at growing, then I concede the rewards were well worth the journey. I am fearlessly here and there is always one more door to pass through and one more opportunity to master. Thank You God!

~ Gemma Halpern

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